


Changing Times

by dreamiflame



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: First Dates, Human Perry, Inators, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-07-19 18:40:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7373116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamiflame/pseuds/dreamiflame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Heinz tries to turn Perry the Platypus into a human to defeat him more easily, things don't go entirely according to plan. Which is typical of Heinz's plans, of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Changing Times

**Author's Note:**

  * For [youtomyme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/youtomyme/gifts).



> Thanks to my beta for checking this over for me.

The first time Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz turned Perry the Platypus human, it was an honest mistake.

Well, mostly an honest mistake.

Well, a mistake anyway. Heinz was still working on the honesty thing. He was evil, after all. Honesty was a bit counterintuitive.

Anyway!

Heinz was trying to find a new way to defeat Perry the Platypus. Just fighting him, man to platypus, didn’t work. Despite being less than half his size, Perry was a formidable fighter, and never pulled his tiny but mighty punches. Turning himself into a platypus hadn’t worked either: they’d been too evenly matched. 

The tea break had been nice. It was only after Heinz realized he was looking at Perry in a whole new way- not his nemesis, not his best friend, but as a very handsome specimen of a platypus- that he’d had to flip the table and get back to fighting.

Much less confusing that way.

And then there’d been that time that Perry had somehow disguised himself as a teenaged girl and come to fight Heinz. Heinz still wasn’t entirely sure how that had happened. It certainly wasn’t his fault.

But it had given him an idea. Handicapped by the loss of his tail, which Perry used in fighting as well as for balance, a human Perry would be easier to defeat.

So Heinz started building a new inator.

The trouble was, even though he was really good at coming up with and creating new inators, sometimes several in a day, this one somehow had Heinz blocked. So he put it aside and worked on a different one (“Behold! The turn-everything-into-cheese-inator!” Perry the Platypus looked singularly unimpressed), and then another, until the half finished Turn-Perry-the-Platypus-Human-to-Defeat-Him-inator was relegated to a dusty, out of the way corner.

Then Norm, the giant metal imbecile, plugged in it during a battle with Perry the Platypus, and pushed the button. A brilliant flash of light, and suddenly Heinz was on his back, a warm, naked, human form on top of him.

Very warm. Very naked. Well, Perry still had his hat, but it was still small and looked more cute than fierce.

Perry the no longer a Platypus shook himself, and stood up, swaying a little on his new human legs, and yes, _very naked_. Heinz scrambled to his feet, trying to look at anything that wasn’t miles of pale skin. “Norm, you idiot!” he said.

Norm clanged toward them. “I was trying to tidy up the place, sir. Where did Perry the Platypus go, and why is there a naked man in your lab?”

“That _is_ Perry the former Platypus,” Heinz said, and made the mistake of looking at Perry. Changing into a human hadn’t affected his ability to glare at Heinz, and Heinz rubbed a hand over the back of his head. “Norm, go get him some clothes. Some of mine,” he specified, as Norm started to stride toward Vanessa’s room. Perry kept glaring, his arms crossed on his human chest.

His hair, what little showed under his hat, was the same shade of teal his fur/feathers normally was/were. Heinz looked away again before he could glance down into inappropriate areas. “Yes, well, I bet you’re wondering why I have an inator that turns platypuses- platypi- you know what I mean- into humans.”

Perry stayed silent, but that was normal, so it didn’t bother Heinz.

“See, I got the idea when you fought me as a teenaged girl. You remember. You showed up one day as a teenaged girl with orange hair, a red shirt, and a white skirt, and you kicked my butt and defeated my inator.” Perry gave a small nod Heinz could see out of the corner of his eye. Heinz continued. “But I noticed you had trouble fighting without a tail. So I thought, if I could somehow turn you human again, I’d be able to defeat you and then continue my plan to take over the Tri-State area.”

Norm burst through the doorway and dropped three pairs of pants at Perry’s feet. “Here you are!”

“Norm!” Heinz scolded, darting over. “Those are from the laundry! I meant bring him some of the clean clothes from the closet.”

“You failed to specify,” Norm boomed cheerfully.

“You’re worthless,” Heinz said, and threw the laundry at Norm. “Go clean those!”

Norm clanged off again, taking out part of the wall. Heinz winced and mentally added another carpentry job to the list for next month’s alimony check.

“Wait here, Perry the not a platypus anymore. I’ll be right back.”

Perry said nothing. Heinz hurried off and took a moment to thump his head into the wall. If he had been disturbed by finding Perry attractive when he had also been a platypus, it was nothing to finding him attractive now that Perry was human. 

“He’s not really human!” he told the closet, as he grabbed pants, a shirt, and a lab coat on autopilot. “I’m not- he’s not- nothing is going to happen!”

Heinz tripped on the lab coat, and snarled at it, tossing it back to the closet. Perry the no longer a Platypus didn’t need to be dressed identically to him, after all.

When Heinz got back to the lab, Perry was back to being a platypus. Hampered by the clothes he’d fetched, Heinz did even worse than usual in their ensuing fight. After he shook his fist at the retreating Perry’s back and dusted the soot off his lab coat, Heinz turned to his ruined lab.

At this point he was an expert at rebuilding. He dusted off the Turn-Perry-the-Platypus-Human-to-Defeat-Him-inator, which had escaped destruction due to Heinz’s being blocked creatively - he hadn’t installed the self destruct button on the half finished inator. 

“Norm!” he yelled, and didn’t even wince when Norm crashed through the door frame in a different area than the first hole. “We have work to do. I’ll never defeat Perry the Platypus if he’s only human for five minutes.”

*

The second time Heinz turned Perry the Platypus into Perry the naked, annoyed human, he stayed human for a lot longer. Which just gave him more time to hit Heinz, kick him in the shins, and destroy his inator of the day. Heinz shook his fist (‘Curse you, Perry the not a Platypus at the moment!’) and decided to use this as more emotionally scarring back story for another time.

*

The third time, Heinz didn’t actually mean to turn Perry human. Perry struck him in his chin, and Heinz flew backward, crashing into the Turn-Perry-the-Platypus-Human-to-Defeat-Him-inator. When he straightened to go back to the fight, his elbow hit the button, and Perry landed on his knees in front of Heinz, human, naked, and frowning. Heinz slapped a hand over his eyes.

That particular vision was going to haunt him, he was sure, but not for the reason most of his memories haunted him. He kept having dreams where Perry the Human gave him a smile and a hug and then took him to dinner and-

You know, Heinz didn’t have to share all of his back story. Some things were private, after all.

Perry made a sound, not quite the growling chirp he usually made, and tugged Heinz’s hand down. “No!” Heinz shouted, trying to pull away, but Perry the Human was surprisingly strong. “It was an accident this time! You saw that! It’s really your fault, you hit me, and-”

Perry made another sound and hugged him. Heinz froze.

They stayed like that, Perry the Human ignoring the fact he wasn’t wearing anything but his hat, and Heinz, not sure what to do. Should he hug back? Where could he put his hands that would be appropriate? Why did the hug feel so good?

Heinz swallowed a sob and grabbed Perry the Human’s shoulders tightly, hugging back for all he was worth. This was stretching far beyond what Heinz had always understood to be a normal time for a hug, but it felt amazing, and Heinz never wanted to stop. 

Eventually, Perry the Human pulled back. Heinz swiped at his eyes and looked away. He pulled his lab coat off and offered it to Perry.

“Here, look, uh, you want some juice?” Perry the Human took the coat and slid it on, buttoning it over himself. Heinz turned toward the kitchen. “I think we can afford to take a break for a minute. I have grapefruit, which Norm made, and apple.” Perry pointed to the apple juice container, which Heinz realized was probably the safer choice. He poured two glasses, and handed one to Perry. Their fingers brushed, and Heinz felt himself flush. He hurriedly talked on.

“It’s pretty good grapefruit juice, just a little full of pulp and skin. Vanessa has been on this weird health food kick, so I had all these grapefruit for her, but then she told me she doesn’t even like them, so what was I supposed to do with them all? So I thought, juice! They say fresh juice is good for you, but it’s probably easier if Norm isn’t the one squeezing it.”

Perry sipped his juice and adjusted his hat. Heinz was staring, so he looked away, quickly, and chugged half his glass of juice. No telling how quickly Perry the Human would want to go back to his fight.

They finished their juice, and Heinz put the glasses in the sink. “Well, I guess we should get back to it,” Heinz said reluctantly, and Perry gave a short sharp nod. Then Heinz was flying across the room, and Perry was going for the self destruct button on the “Voting-Machines-into-Birds-inator."

“Hey!” Heinz said, but as usual, he lost. Perry ducked out the window, and Heinz shook his fist after him. “Curse you, Perry the Human! And you’d better clean my lab coat before you bring it back!”

*

The fourth time, it wasn’t even Heinz who changed Perry into a human.

It had been a hard week. Heinz was feeling burnt out again, and so many things were bugging him that he couldn’t even keep up with all of them. His inators had been a little lackluster lately, and Perry the Platypus looked even less impressed with his traps of late.

Plus, Heinz was having more elaborate dreams involving the Human Perry.

Heinz pushed a broom across the lab, sweeping up the debris of yet another unsuccessful bid for Tri-State Area dominance. He came across the Turn-Perry-the-Platypus-Human-to-Defeat-Him-inator, and frowned at it. Despite their many fights, and the fact that Heinz had finished the inator, including installing the self destruct button, it was pristine except for a little dust.

Perry the Platypus had never destroyed this particular inator. It made Heinz wonder why.

He finished sweeping, took out the trash, and settled down in his chair to watch his evening shows. Vanessa was out, and he’d sent Norm down to the basement to charge and just get out of his hair. Heinz wasn’t expecting anything more for the day.

There was a knock on the door.

“Go away!” Heinz called. “We don’t want what you’re selling!”

More knocking. “Buzz off!” Heinz yelled.

Whoever was on the other side of the door kept knocking. Grumbling, Heinz heaved himself out of the chair and stomped over to the door, ready to give the persistent knocker a piece of his mind.

“I said-” He jerked the door open, and looked down, blinking.

Perry the Platypus gave him a level, unamused look. 

“Perry the Platypus, what are you doing here?” Heinz asked, confused. “You already destroyed my inator and beat me up earlier. I don’t have anything else for you today.”

He chirp growled, and pushed the door open a bit more. Heinz stepped aside and let Perry the Platypus in, still not sure why his nemesis had returned. Perry had a small bag over his shoulder, and he reached into it to pull out a little white business card.

Heinz took the card, his brow furrowing as he read in. “Le Chic’s Restaurant? With a reservation for eight tonight?” Perry the Platypus nodded. Heinz stared at him. “Are you- are you asking me to go with you?”

Perry nodded again. Heinz blushed harder than he had in years. “I- what- really?”

Turning away from him, Perry went over to the Turn-Perry-the-Platypus-Human-to-Defeat-Him-inator, and pushed the button. Heinz watched in amazement as Perry the Human went back to his bag and pulled out a nice black suit, getting dressed quickly. He gave Heinz an expectant look when he was dressed, and Heinz gulped and hurried off to find something nice to wear.

He was going on a date. He was _going on a date with Perry the not currently a Platypus_. What was he going to wear?

After dithering for what was probably a ridiculous amount of time, Heinz pulled on the suit he’d bought on a whim several months before. Heinz stared at himself in the mirror and tried to tame his hair a little, but gave it up after a few minutes. Perry the Human knew what he looked like at his worst, after all. And his hair was next to impossible to tame.

When he got back to the lab, Perry the Human was waiting for him. Deliberately, Perry took his hat off. “Oh,” said Heinz. “Oh, you’re going as just a normal human and not a secret agent?” Perry nodded. “Okay,” said Heinz.

Perry pointed at the Turn-Perry-the-Platypus-Human-to-Defeat-Him-inator. “What?” said Heinz. Perry tapped his watch. “Oh. About two hours, I think. Is that how long it’s been lasting?”

Nodding, Perry offered Heinz his arm. Feeling his cheeks heat, Heinz took it. He wasn’t used to this, being wooed, especially not by such a handsome young man who was normally a platypus and his enemy. They walked down the street to Le Chic’s, and Heinz was grateful he lived in such a central location.

They were seated at an intimate little table by a tall man speaking in a French accent who didn’t even blink at the fact they were both men. Heinz looked over the menu, noting the lack of prices. “Are you sure about this?” he whispered fiercely to Perry the Human. “This is a pricey place.”

Perry gave him a firm nod and looked at his own menu. Heinz went back to browsing, a little unsure what to order. In the end, he let Perry point at what he wanted, and just ordered the same for both of them. It turned out to be steak and completely delicious, and Heinz ate hungrily. He was still talking for both of them, used to it after all this time with Perry.

And despite being human currently, and probably able to talk, Perry didn’t seem that inclined to do so. So Heinz rambled on about everything that came to mind, as he usually did.

The part where Perry kept touching his hand and knee and making Heinz choke on his words was new. He sipped his water after Perry touched him again, a light brush of fingers across the back of his hand, interrupting his discussion of why he hated oscillating fans. Their dinners were nearly finished, and Heinz wasn’t sure what would happen now. They still had about an hour before Perry reverted to a platypus, after all.

“Dessert?” their waiter offered, and Perry nodded, raising a questioning eyebrow at Heinz. He swallowed more water and set down his glass a little too fast.

He hadn’t been this nervous on his last date with a woman, and this was Perry the normally a Platypus. Why was he so worried?

“Yes, dessert,” he said, too loud, and the waiter went away and brought back the dessert cart. Perry the Human pointed to a peach melba, and Heinz decided on something chocolately. Mousse, he thought, but he was more focused on the way Perry the Human’s lips closed over his fork as he ate the dessert than he was on his own plate. Perry took the check when it came, and counted out money from a wallet Heinz hadn’t even known he had, and then dinner was over and they were walking back to Heinz’s building.

Perry the Human took his hand as they walked and for once, Heinz couldn’t think of a single thing to say. They walked in comfortable silence until they were at Heinz’s door, then Perry turned to him.

Heinz’s tongue unfroze. “Well, that was very nice- Le Chic’s is just as good as they say, and the waiter wasn’t nearly as rude as one hears about French waiters being and-”

“Heinz,” said Perry. Heinz shut his mouth with a snap. “You talk too much,” Perry continued, and leaned into Heinz to kiss him. It was pretty obviously Perry’s first time kissing, and it was messy and a bit awkward, and hit Heinz right in the chest. He caught Perry’s face in his hands and tilted his head so their mouths matched better, savoring how soft Perry’s lips were.

After a long moment, Perry pulled back, but he stayed close, his forehead resting against Heinz. Heinz felt like he was floating.

“Are you supposed to be dating me?” he asked, because he couldn’t not. “I mean, won’t Francis get mad at you?” Perry kissed him again, more confidently now. Heinz clung to Perry’s shoulders and kissed back. “Right, talking too much again.”

Perry smiled at him, and stepped back. “Oh, are you going?” Perry nodded. Heinz pushed down a feeling of disappointment and let go. Perry put his hat back on, and gave Heinz a little salute as he headed for the elevator.

“Wait!” Heinz said, and just about tripped over his own two feet hurrying over to kiss Perry once more. He watched, giving Perry a little wave as the elevator doors closed, barely aware of the goofy grin on his face.

Perry the Human vanished, and Heinz turned back to his door, feeling inspired. His work was going to be more interesting from now on.

And if sometimes he and Perry got together after a battle, well, that wasn’t really anyone else’s business, was it?


End file.
